I have been having rough time, ever since my birthday. Its like the circle came to full on my birthday and a new circle has begin with bad things. I fell ill on 9th, there was an extreme pain in my lower body like periods, but I was not having my periods, then on same day I had my cunselling and I missed it, so I didn't even get my card. After that things have been going down hill. My in laws and my husband are being horrendous to me. They are treating me very badly, they yell at me, make comments, treat me like I am some servant. I feel very bad, I have been crying almost everyday. I feel so lonely. I wish I had not married Aditya, Marrying him was the biggest mistake of my life, I ruined my life with my own hands. I am feeling really bad, what did I do to deserve this kind of life and behavior?
I know I have told you many a times that I have had a bad day or that I am depressed or that I am feeling like a looser. But I have had one of the worst days of my life. I am so tired, I am so depressed , I don't even know how to put in words what I am feeling or what is going on with me. I just want to die. I am so tired of life. I have have written it many a times and thought it even more often, but today has been really bad day. I TRIED TO CHOKE MYSELF. I have had it with my life. I swear, all I want is a little poison o a gun or I need to be on roof of a big building, and I will kill myself. Every time, when I analyze my life and think that Ok so this is the difficulty level of my life, I can deal with it, nothing to be panicked about, my fucking life gets even more difficult. I cannot do this anymore. I am just scared and tired. I mean come on GOD take a break, I am just a kid. Why are you putting so much burden on me. I love you I respect you, I try to be right and this is what I get it return. What have I done to deserve this life? Why me GOD, why Me? I just don't know how to express what I am feeling. Every time I get depressed and tired and write it, Next time it gets even worse. I am so scared and I feel so lonely and helpless. If this is GOD's method of teaching or punishing, it is not right, it is not fair. I am sorry GOD, but what parent sees their kid in as mental pain as I am in and does nothing, and you know I have always treated you as a parent. Please please forgive me If I have made a mistake and make my life a little bit easier, just a job thats all I am asking, its not too much, I am not asking you to perform a miracle or make me a princess or make me win a million dollar lottery, all I am asking for you to give me is a job, don't I deserve even that much, don't you even love me that much. Do you like to see me cry, because if you do then its a good thing for you, because I am gonn be crying a lot. I love you so much, why don't you love me ?
My mood: extremely depressed
Ever had one of those days when you felt as if you should disappear. As if no one around you wants you anymore, as if you ate.getting in everyone's ways. That where I am right now. Its not that I dont care about people or dont want to make friends, its just very difficult for me to open up to new people because I am socially awkward. People think I dont care, but it hurts so deep.
I want to cut my hand. I want to cut my mental pain away. I want to hang myself. I want to shoot my self or jump from a building. I want to take sleeping pills and fall asleep forever. I just want to die. I don't think I can live to see one more day. I don't like feeling so sad and scared all the time. I want all of this to just go away. Help me. Please GOD help me.
I want to go back to my life before my marriage, I want to be with my mommy and daddy.
No more pain, no more pain, no more pain.
Previous PostsFebruary 19, 2014, posted March 19th, 2014
My 1, 2013, posted May 1st, 2013
Awkward me., posted November 14th, 2012
crying....., posted November 11th, 2012
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